Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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