I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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