how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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