I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
