is your mom at the bar?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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