got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize