my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
This house was built for laser tag.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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