didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
