You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Randomize
