My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
