New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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