Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
