In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
