Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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