Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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