he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
