she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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