Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
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