Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
