You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
