I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
