Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
