On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Randomize
