We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
