she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
