white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
