im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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