Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
