and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
