My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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