I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
