no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
How naked do you want me to be?
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