Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
