I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
