How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
they're like a gay fantastic four
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
