i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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