You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
