If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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