I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
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