i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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