my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
