pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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