Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Randomize
