I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
We talked him into tasing himself.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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