I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
