Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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