The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
