you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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