i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
