he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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