Now he's lighting his socks on fire
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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