ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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