if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
mondays should just be called national damage control day
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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