Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
