when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
