I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
