I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize