toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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